The Abuser

Hey Dude!

What’s this I hear about you? Hit your lady and went to jail? Whoa, that don’t sound like you. Took me a while to believe it, but my sources don’t lie. So what happened? What made you do such a stupid thing?
Look, I been knowing you all your life. You’re not into violence. Was it something she said. I thought you had that under control. Lord knows, you’ve had enough practice.

So, anyway, I’m really surprised. Shocked almost, that you let it get away from you. Better get your act together boy, if you don’t stop it now it will only get worse. Better not do it again.

Your Friend
P.S. You might try counseling. I know how you feel about those head doctors but they helped me. Good Luck.

Dear S.
I have been abusive to you. I told myself that it was not my fault, that I didn’t start it. I grabbed you, pushed, pulled and all the other things I did. Like insults, cursing and ignoring the problem. I thought it was always you who had the problem. I said to myself” “if you hadn’t done this I wouldn’t have done that”; that “I didn’t really hurt you”; “It was for you own good”;. that “I would teach my woman respect.”
I have been a monster. I feel I’m the lowest form of man. I have made your life a hell, I made our home a prison for you. I didn’t realize what I had been doing. I didn’t have the tools I needed to be responsible for my action. I would get angry and just go off. I made very bad decisions.

I realize that if this goes on I will lose you. That you will walk away and never look back. I don’t want that to happen. I’ve learned to see myself in a different light. Like an alcoholic I was denying I had a problem. But I now know my problem. I am violent. I take responsibility for my actions. I realize that I can make better decisions, that I don’t ever have to be violent. I can take time outs I can allow you to be yourself. I know that clenching teeth and faster breathing are my red flags. I must tell you that I’m not completely OK so-to-speak. But I am working on answers for me. I am responsible for me and only me. I am working through my own issues. I am OK with me now. I want you to feel safe again and to be my wife.

Your Husband

Characteristics of Men who Batter
Jealousy of Partner

  • Routinely accuse their partner of having other sexual relationships. 
  • Intense, irrational jealousy which usually arises from a man’s own insecurity and projection.

Control and isolation of partner

  • Batterer will go to extreme lengths to isolate and control their partner.
  • Includes constantly checking up on their whereabouts, controlling the couples finances: not allowing the victim to have friends.

Unrealistic Expectations

  • Extremely dependent – expects her to be the perfect wife.
  • Moves quickly to a desperate need to have control.

Blame

  • Blames others for his problems – external locus of control and blames others for his feelings
  • Hypersensitivity – easily hurt/insulted

Jekyl and Hyde Personalities

  • Perpetrators exhibit extreme personality changes.
  • Much of their life they are gentle and loving people – the personality with which the victim fell in love with. This is their public persona.
  • During the tension building stage they metamorphose into an ogre and become the full blown Dr. Hyde. This aspect of their personality is usually exhibited only at home.

Explosive Temper

  • Trivial happenings can trigger a heating. There may be no apparent precipitation event. Breaks or strikes objects Is cruel to animals or children

Legal Problems.

  • Arrest records from other areas of their life are not uncommon.

Projection

  • A life long pattern of avoiding the consequences of their behavior, limits their sense of responsibility for their behavior.

Verbal and Physical Abuse

  • The verbal abuse accompanies physical abuse.
  • Mind games are the norm
  • The abuse can be so subtle that the victim is unable to identify the intent of their words
  • For example, the victim accepts the judgment that their housekeeping is sloppy, child care is lax and that they are hopelessly, unappealing.

History of Family Violence

  • Most abusers and victims have seen violence in their family of origin past history of battering
  • More violence when the victim is pregnant or soon after she gives birth.
  • Womb envy? Men who batter seem to want to impregnate , yet not necessarily to father or nurture their offspring.
  • Does envy of woman’s procreative power become a force for male violence?

Denial and minimization

  • There is often recognizable (to the batterer and other) minimization and denial.
  • Sometimes awareness of their own behavior is so totally repressed they will notice their partners injury they inflicted the previous evening and ask what happened
  • Cycle of Violence It may seem that the abuser is trying to drive the victim away. When they succeed, they will go to great lengths to retrieve them
  • They may abduct their children; cry real tears; plead; bring flowers; promise to go to counseling (“if that is what it takes”); vow to stop drinking’ and tell the victim they need them and cannot survive without them
  • Every time the victim leaves, then returns, the cycle escalates; the violence becomes more severe; the contrition state becomes craftier.
  • The victim reinforces this behavior by believing him and attempting to resume life without the abuser.